Thoughts on My Mind: Mini-Rants

::Sigh::

... words are all i cling to, and when I need them most, I don't have any to give.

::Love is Complicated::

Love... I still want for it, but I wander if wanting for such an ideal is foolish. I'm learning the disappointment that comes from expectations of people when we're in love, and the confusion of what we want to do and what we actually do in love. I think Facebook should remove all other status options except "it's complicated" because anytime two people attach themselves together, it gets complicated. Even when they're perfectly happy, it's complicated. 

::I'm the Jealous Type::

Jealousy has been my weakness for many years. Though people say horoscopes aren't real, the portrayal of Scorpios as jealous creatures has my name written all over it. Years ago, I tried to deny that it was an issue, often blaming the jealousy on other principles or issues. But as I've gotten older, I find that it is only fair to let those who are close to me know what the deal really is. I get jealous when I know I have no position to be jealous. I get jealous about people even when they aren't a real threat. Hell, I get jealous of my friends becoming friends without me. Is it insecurity? A little--I'm grown enough to admit that about myself too. But my jealousy really comes from my knowledge that life doesn't run off of logic, but moreso instincts and uncontrollable variables. Ever heard of friends becoming lovers? Yeah, they didn't see that shit coming their damn selves. It also comes from the part of me that finds something great and unique in everybody, and the jealousy is just me wanting what they have. I don't know. I'm not proud of my jealousy, just aware of it. And I just really hope that the next person I'm with will work with me on it, and know that I'm trying to fix it. In return, I can promise them that I try to keep it at bay. I won't bring it up often, I don't go searching through your cell phone. But I will raise my eyebrows at too many chicks around you-- i wanna know who they are, how long they been around. But other than that, I'm pretty mild. But yes, I'm jealous. Even petty sometimes. So sue me.

::#TeamNoKids....Right Now::

I am deathly afraid of the thought of having kids right now. I notice how when I'm with my niece and she won't stop crying that I start to fall apart. Who knew that a toddler could make you feel so helpless? You can't talk to them, you can't rationalize with them, and fear doesn't even work with them. I'm always afraid that I won't be able to manage kids. Hell, I have a hard time managing myself. Can I really do that to another child? And what about the father? I declare, that if I somehow end up with some trifling baby-daddy situation, or a non-active paternal figure in my child's life, I'mma have to kidnap his ass and tie him to see-saw to play with his child. I ain't gonna lie and say I'm superwoman. I just told you what my niece does to my nerves! Girl or boy, my child  needs a daddy. Not that I'm having any of them any time soon.

No shade to the ladies handling it and holding it down with little ones right now, but that definitely wasn't in the plan for me. I don't have an anticipation for kids, except with the thought of a husband. Maybe my maternal biological clock is on snooze.

::About My Education::

Every time I tell people I'm majoring in English, they ask me am I going to be a teacher. NO. I wanna wear a sign that says, "English majors do more than teach." One girl went so far as to almost utter that an English degree is useless. Uhm...  the simple ass spelling errors all over Facebook profiles and in tweets by GROWN FOLKS seem to suggest some people should have considered the major. Why is it so hard for people to imagine that an English major would want to be a writer? Like, when you meet art majors, you don't ask them if they're gonna teach Art History, do you? Not knocking any one who does pursue these paths because we always need great teachers, but it's different when it's your passion. It's a totally different story when it is assumed upon you.

I'm an English major because if I'm gonna spend thousands of dollars over the course of years for a degree, it's going to be in something I love. And trust me, it's MY money i'm spending.

::Don't Ask Rhetorical Questions!::

It really bugs the mess out of me when people who claim they care about me never take the time to listen to my issues. Like, don't ask me how I'm doing and then start talking about yourself before I utter  a word. And don't say you want to get to know me if you don't wanna know about my random days, or my relationship with my family, or my favorite color, or even my crazy ass dream I had about you. If we can only talk about an us, or abstract intellectual conversations, and never divulge anything about our individual selves, we're just long-time strangers. That gets under my skin. And If I ask you about yourself, that's because I actually want to know. Don't ignore my question, unless you just wanna be ignored. We can work with that too...

New Poem: Love Me or Leave Me Alone

This poem was inspired by a venting session with my bestie and my Scorp. A mesh of fact and fiction, the hypothetical and the actual, people you know and people you never heard of. So you don't have to ask me who this is about :-)
Enjoy!


Love Me or Leave Me Alone
Love me or leave me alone
...didn't understand it until now
you taunting me with your new gf
Yet still keeping in touch with me...

Love me or leave me alone
Apologizing for falling out of touch
And still keeping yourself distanced
Helps nothing but my irritation and questions

Love me or leave me alone
Both simultaneously isn't an option
I've already proved my commitment
Honestly I'm tired of  trying and losing
Pulling me down this endless road
The fucked up part is-- I care so much
I'd just about let you, too.

Love me or leave me alone
You're holding up progress to my happiness
You can be a part of that picture or not;
Give me an answer before I snap...

Beating around the bush
Trying to have me and her
Popping up when your life's convenient.
Being a woman in a feeling
Doesn't obligate me to wait
And waiting ain't wising you up
So let me explicitly say:

Love Me or Leave Me Alone
   Hoping for the former
   Praying it ain't the latter
   Grateful for an answer
if you give me either.

Lessons From Sophomore Year

So last year I did a note on lessons I learned from Freshmen year. (Link >>> here)

Well, I decided it was time to do it again. So here goes.

1. Your REAL friends return for another year. You all might get busy and start to miss each other, but no one forgets about the other.
2. New friends come along, and if they belong, they just FIT. Meaning, you don't feel like you're forced to change for them.
3. Sophomore year comes and you start to see the snakes in the grass.
4. It's amusing watching freshmen learn the same lessons you learned.
5. Some people have never had to financially take care of themselves before. So they don't understand questions like "How much is your cell phone bill?" or statements like "I need gas money."
6. Declaring a major is hard because you have to start thinking about real life.
7. People are [STILL] there to help you. Just because you're not a freshmen anymore doesn't mean you won't still need someone to talk to you, to tutor you, to help you study, etc.
8. Even I, with all my flaws, has something to teach someone.
9. Mentoring is so amazing! And it's not just about what you can teach, but also what you can learn.
10. When people do wrong by you, the feeling that follows hurt is apathy.
11. There are still reasons left not to give up on the male species. There are some out there that are true gentlemen.
12. Dress for yourself. Because if you don't dress up, people got something to say. If you do dress up, people got all the questions in the world about where you going and who you dressing up for.
13. Good friends can support you, even if they don't understand.
14. Too much alcohol - food = bad idea.
15. The best birthdays are with good friends.
16.The world thinks that successful black women can't get married.
17. Sometimes, the people who look they're trying to be a part of the solution are the whole damn problem to begin with.
18. You get burned out on lower BD food before the first semester is over.
19. Nikki Giovanni is so real, I can understand why the FBI might have had her on a list.
20. Shihan is still fine, even though he is married with kids, and he cut his hair off.
21. Family Guy, after you get used to the humor, is your favoritest show to watch at two in the morning.
22. Pastor Kearney Thomas is HIGHlarious lmao. But also somewhat of an embarrassment.
23. Twitter brings drama that we haven't seen since the invention of the picture phone. (see video below for clarification)



24. The things your parents don't know about you grows and grows. But it's not so bad now because you're getting old enough to make choices like that.
25. Waking up is sometimes harder than just staying up.
26. Sometimes you have not because you ask not. So just ask.
27. Every new year in hip-hop and rap makes you wonder how people like Waka and Soulja boy are making all the money, and people like B.O.B. and Wale are struggling.
28. I look good with bangs

29. You have to learn to give yourself more credit for your accomplishments. Most people are so busy with their own lives that everyone doesn't always have time to stop and pat you on the back.
30. People who support you make time to help you cope.
31. A blender makes dull Friday nights so much better.
32. Hulu and Netflix gives your computer a whole new purpose.
33. God's grace and mercy is so real, even when you're too busy to believe it.
34. People read my blog! ♥
35. You just got to live your life the way that makes you happy. If you do that, don't let the other ish get too deep under your skin, and know that everything happens for a reason, you paint yourself a beautiful life.

I'm stopping at 35 this year. ♥ Thanks to everyone who has helped me learn this year and have been with me throughout the school year; I love you all:
Jacqui, Chavelle, Lamar, Ryadah, Jerrica, Riean, Twin BayBay, Liz, Ms. LaShawnda, J-Strong, Portia, Natalie, Teaire, my Mommy!, my Daddy! ..............and any other names I forgot, insert here _________!

Leave your comments and your lessons learned!
♥ Shay

Simplified Complicated

After my last post, I got to talking to my booski via skype about sex without love, and then some more stuff. I love having smart friends, because they're capable of juggling complex ideas with you and can be okay with not reaching a solution.

Summary: we came to the conclusion that I like things in life a little complicated...or elaborate, if you will. It's a bittersweet addiction. On one end, my complicated life keeps me on my toes, keeps me motivated, moving, working towards something, it's exciting! But on the other side of the coin, complicated can get dirty, stressful, tiring, painful, and leave me running for the hills.

Which brings me to the point that I like my simplicity. I do. But I know I don't want a simple life. For one, I'll always be expecting it to go belly-up and get wayyyy out of line. Or if it doesn't do that, I'd just be bored, and probably settle into some pattern of complacency of life.

So how do I balance the two? I make simple choices in a complicated life. My friend argued back that you can't make simple choices for everything, and my counterargument was that I just have a simple procedure for reaching my conclusions and stances on things.  Why? Because life is gonna be complicated regardless of what plans you make. People with the best plans can still have fucked up lives. So why exert the extra effort of trying to avoid the inevitable?

I rather save that adrenaline for when the storm comes instead of hyping myself up on what MIGHT happen. I spent a good part of my life always worried bout what would happen next and the consequences of not weighing all the options of the future, blah blah blah.  Well, I don't even know all the options of the future, and all I really know is where I come from and what I am in the very moment. Everything else is a foolish attempt to play God. And trying to be God is a move that the devil himself knows isn't a good role to try to play.

I focus on the here and now and doing the best i can at the margin of time closest to me. When it feels too mundane, i reevaluate myself for complacency, for a decrease in drive, for a decrease in love of life. Because the easiest way to make it through life is to go through loving it. And if you aren't loving live, then life is just happening to you and you're not living at all.

I'm a complicaed being, I know. And I feel so misunderstood so much. I felt misunderstood having the conversation that this post stemmed from. I feel like my parents don't get me, and even my very best friends will attest that they've had their moments where all they could say was "WTF are you doing Shay?" Just for me to look at them, give them what I think is a  logical answer, and them still just writing it off as whatever.

I don't really take it personal anymore. Okay, that's a lie, I kinda sorta get in my feelings. But I remember that they have moments I don't understand them and just let it be.

It's hard being complicated sometimes, but I would hate to be simple and boring. I don't know. Maybe I already am.

Because I really want some tulips...

♥ Shay

An Update

Hey Loves---
I know that I've been MIA for a while, and I'm sorry. To be quite honest, life as been a little more rocky that I've been able to easily manage, so I've been living task to task for a couple of weeks.

But there's nothing like a sunny Monday to renew your strength :-)

I won't go into details, but just know that I'm currently in a place where my life and my future is a little hazy. And though it looks like it depends on me, these choices coming up aren't totally in my hands. Well, that's the way I feel...

Another idea I'm exploring: maybe I'm not doing what I truly want. I mean, I think there was a point in my life where I didn't really trust my own judgement about making my life decisions, so I took someone's good idea for my life and owned it. And was pretty satisfied with doing that for as long as I didn't have that many problems. But thinking about it, I let go of many of the real dreams I had a long time ago. And though people say "just do you" it's more complicated than that.

"ME" is essentially what people have given me. It's not the same as someone reluctantly wanting what someone has given them and owning it to look like what they really want. So for me to "just do me" means going back to square one, going after my passion and making no compromises. It means totally reassessing who I am and where I see myself going.

It's a scary jump, yo.

And right now I don't know if it's worth it. I'm so far in with the path I'm on, I don't know if I'm actually bold enough to retrace my steps.

::Sigh::

it's not the end of the world, and i believed doing what i love is important. but i also believe that i can learn to love something....

give me time you guys.

♥ Shay

Coffee, No Cream, Please

Actually, I can't even drink coffee...gives me anxiety attacks.

But the title comes from the often-used phrase, "Milk in my Coffee," usually referring to interracial dating and the such. This topic, ladies and gentlemen, is brought to you by way of this article over at Three Ways to Take It. I won't do the article an injustice by trying to summarize it. As always, I highly encourage you to go read it yourself if you're interested.


But I said all that to say...that I felt a need to respond to this one. So, for your enjoyment, what I have to say about alot of stuff, especially being a black [almost] woman and all these messages telling me to date outside the box:

March 8, 2010 at 12:42 am
Although I’m sure this is a conversation for much more “grown people,” I couldn’t resist commenting.


In my short 20 years of life and “relationships,” I haven’t actually considered dating outside my race. Even attending a PWI, where the black community is small and filled with enough drama to create a Lifetime movie, I still have a strong passion for black love.


I’m not racist, but there isn’t anything attractive about white men to me. I will admit to have a small crush on Puerto Rican dudes, but that’s another story. I love and appreciate each and every culture that makes this world of ours go round, but…I have yet to meet someone outside my race that catches my attention and makes me want to pursue them.


And yes, I have noticed the interracial talk seems to get more and more spark every day. Everywhere I turn, it seems to say that the only options I have as a black woman is to be a ghetto hood chick that wants a thug, or become educated and successful and turn into a bitch that looks down on all black men. It’s like a black woman with any type of intellect will find herself strongly disappointed with black male prospects. And I find it to be far from the truth.


I think black men and women need to quit giving up so easily on each other. We’ll keep having problems if everybody nags and no one listens to the other. And men and women are just that, no matter what their race or culture is. Dating outside your race doesn’t erase the relationship problems.


I, too, am fine with what people choose to do, as long as they’re happy and not dragging someone else down in the process. I just know that [when] I daydream about being swept of my feet one day….I mean, when I think about my future…it’s usually me with a black guy.


Shay, the college girl.

That's Just How I Like It ::Kanye shrug::


So uh...how do you like your coffee? Or do you even life coffee? And am I the only one who reads the messages out there like this?


As always, with ♥
♥ Shay

[UPDATED Shoe Report] I Think I Can...

...make it through lent without losing my mind breaking my promise.

I gave up
1. Fried food
2. Sodas
which is medium difficulty to get rid of. That means no chips, no fries, no tots, no chicken tenders...etc. And no cokes, sprites, or even cherry coke zero....gah! lol.

Other things I considered giving up:
- all bottled drinks
- chocolate
- cursing
- twitter
- facebook

but clearly I can't live life without these! And I can't be lying to God...

*No, I'm not Catholic, but I respect and understand the purpose of lent and what it can do for ones relationship with God, so I decided to give it a chance.

Other News:

I got my hair cut. Not the back, but mostly from the top and sides. So my hair is definitely at a cut I haven't experienced before.

Clearly this isn't the best picture of me, but it's only for the sake of the hair.

I was really happy with the whole process...the relaxer was gentle but effective, the cut wasn't too drastic, but different and fitting. Plus, I left feeling like a million bucks great.

Also, I will soon be the proud owner of these:

Rashida, in Red

I was sooo happy when these showed up in my Shoedazzle showroom. I've been wanting a. cutout booties and some b. red pumps for a while, so this was like a 2-for-1. As everyone has asked me, no, I don't know where the hell I'm gonna wear these, since there's no way I'm about to be walking to class in the snow in these bad boys...but who knows... if the weather acts right, I might compromise.

So that's it. I'm having a good Friday. :-) And that makes me happy :-) You need to have a good weekend too!

♥ Shay

**Updated to Say**
I wore Rashida this past Friday afternoon. It was a beautiful day and another good friday. I will say, these baby girls are high, but I love them! My foot was nice and snug, which felt nice, until I was standing up too long. Lol. These are definitely for show, so make sure you show 'em right when you do.

Good News, Good Thoughts...

Hey bloggers... I have a lot of good news in this post...no negativity.

First of all, I applied for two positions for next year, and I got them BOTH! I will be a TRIO Leader and an RA! Whoop whoop! These two positions will really give me a chance to be involved in the WashU community and give me the outlet to help people the way I want to. It's helping me with my college goal of leaving my imprint on this school in some way.

Also, I'm still loving my friends. For days. They're the one's who love me even when I make foolish mistakes. And they're the ones whose back I will always have. We can be silly together, listen to each others problems, and help solve them if need be. :-)

I have a (re)New(ed) motivation to get my life together, to do what I need to do. And I know that sounds cliche, but when you've been in place where you truly thought you weren't worthy of being or was sure that the only end was failure, then you know that this drive to keep it moving and press forward in confidence is exactly what the doctor ordered.

Even something simple as needing a new laptop battery--God is making a way for it to happen. 

My sister is being blessed too! New car, new job, a slight raise! it makes me happy to see her happy. So yayyy!

There are some other things too, but I'll stop there.

In general, I'm just grateful. In the scope of life in general, I know that some don't have it as well as I do, and to a large degree, I'm not worthy. I'll just continue to take them as they come, and not take anything for granted.

Valentine's Day + Love + My Life + Take Notes

This is one of the best Valentine's Day of the 21 that I've had. And it's not just because of what I got from somebody...it's also because of the general state of my life at the moment. Things are well, and I'm so grateful for that in itself.
Some things of note today:

I woke up to these at my door :-)

Then I was able to have a really good brunch with two of my friends. The food was good and the conversation was better! Shoutouts to JG and LJ! 

Also, I have two formspring questions that I answered today that I want to share with you guys.

The first one:

Q: Who is someone at WashU that you look up to? Preferably an upperclassman/woman..

A: so i accidentally deleted my first answer to this...so this one won't be as prolific lol. I feel that there are many upperclassmen women that have done great and amazing things for me, and I LOVE ALL THEM SO FREAKING MUCH. For all the good advice and consoling and nights of hanging out together. It makes me feel all warm inside. With that being said, I don't want to name all of them because I know I'll probably forget someone, and I don't want to name just one because I know that there are so many more that I would have to acknowledge.

These are not lies you guys. Lol. I'm so grateful for the people that I've met at WashU that have been such a great support system and some of them just a lot of freaking fun!


The next:

Q: Do you believe in true love? Like the kind that lasts forever? And do you think you've found it yet?

A: I've found true love in God...because my relationship with him is the prototype for all my other relationships of love. 

Yes, I do believe in true love. I'm a sucker for love, and just becoming knowledgeable in the many shapes and guises and posers of love. I believe that there is love that lasts forever, even if it does seem rare for the my generation and the generation after us...but I think it just takes a little longer to learn :-)

I don't know if I've found true love. I feel that true love has the power to stay with you through MANY phases of life... Since I've been dating, I would say my life has only had one or two phases. So I don't know if my true love is already here or if I have yet to find it... And I don't think I've had enough trails to test the durability of it either. Give me a couple more years and see what I think then... I'll have more experience and evidence by then.

I think that one is pretty explanatory. I talk about love enough and have plenty of past posts for you to know a little bit more about that.


And finally, this was on my twitter feed, and I had to RT it and post it here. 

For you dudes who don't like Trey Songz, just get past your feelings for a minute and realize the validity of these words... #imjustsayin


I know alot of this stuff has come up because it's Valentine's Day, and I know all of it is because of life being a freeway with many overlapping lanes, etc. But it was just cool how all of this has kind of fallen together in one day and how I'm a pretty happy girl at the moment. Go me!


I hope you were able to spot the love and find some appreciation in this day too, whether single or together. The love in our lives comes in so many forms, don't worry about getting caught up in just one. Love is a shape-shifter.


♥ (and not just because of the holiday!)
Shay


P.S.: it wasn't until this post that I realized I didn't have a tag for happiness. How'd that happen?


Also, I was reminded of this video. It's called "For You" by David Ryan Harris. Enjoy it!

Why It's Good to Have Friends

Look, we all need friends. Seriously. If you're walking around pretending you're a loner with no friends, cut the bull and stop lying to yourself. In this big old world, there is somebody out there that is like you or even different from you that you are compatible with. Most of the time you don't have to look far from where you currently are to see them. But they're out there. And when you have good friends, you're quality of life shoots through the roof. Your conversations get deeper and your weekends get better. And begin to realize that even if life is beating the ish out of you, somebody out there has your back. 


It's a good feeling. Shoutout to all my friends, near me and far from me, old and new, serious and more crazy. Love all you guys.


On a note to end on.... everybody is always bragging about haters...bump that. They're irrelevant and take up too much room. Trust me, I'd rather have friends over haters any day.

♥ Shay

Back in Session

So school is back in session. Been that way for about a week now. I have been swamped beyond belief. I promise, if it wasn't for Google Calendar and my iPhone, I would be screwed.

Anyway, my current goals for the semester are just to get some healthy habits in my life. Like waking up at the same time in the morning, though going to sleep is currently a #fail. Oh well, no one's perfect, and I won't change overnight.

I'm kind of in a blah place right now. I don't really get to see much of anyone I'm close to, seeing as how we're all so busy that we are always on the run. I guess that's why it's good to be active in college. Because if you're not busy with your own agenda, you start to feel neglected because of someone else's schedule.

No worries, mine is full. Which is why I'm mad at myself for letting 3am sneak up on me with not work done. This is NOT okay. I have got to get some rest.

To everyone else, hold on out there in the college battle. Or life battles! All you have to know is that persistence can pick up the slack wherever you might have it.

♥ Shay

Randomocities

Pontaillac Beach, Royan, France. (source)

So I really had a bunch of ideas floating in my head, some which float a lot. I really just needed somewhere to put them all.

• People walk in and out of our life all the time. The only time it's a problem is when we weren't ready for them to go just yet.
• Cheating happens so often and shamelessly these days. It makes the idea of a relationship (let alone marriage) seem useless. Why build a fence if you gonna jump it anyway?
• I wonder how our generation ended up with perspectives on life so different and so far from the morals and standards of our parents? Has that much about life changed that quickly?
• People not knowing where you are is hard nowadays. Between Facebook, Twitter, Blogs, Skype, whatever... people can always find you.
• Furthermore, it's hard to preserve mystery. All our business is everywhere. You can't even hide your birthday because there's some website somewhere telling it all.
• I'm a little bi-polar. Because one day, I don't care about sharing about me, and some days I BEG for privacy and can't find it.
• Friends can get you in trouble. Friends can also get you out of trouble.
• Right now, I really want to go on a fun date...like bowling, or bumper carts, followed by dinner at a diner or something, a nice walk, a hug and kiss goodnight...mannn that would be so much fun.
• The abundance of foolery and ignorance is really gonna dumb down our society at some point. It's gonna be a sad day when you can get a high school diploma without knowing what a book is.
• If I ever have kids one day, I'm gonna have to move to Canada. or France. or hell, maybe China. Somewhere where school will be challenging and they're forced to live to their potential.
• Secondary [correction: tertiary] education aka college costs a lot of freaking money. Since it's becoming so necessary in life, when is the USA gonna step up and make this ish free?
• Putting all my random thoughts someplace makes me feel good. :-)

Til next time loves...
         ♥ Shay

Finals Prayer

Dear God,

I don't know why you're doing what you're doing to me or my life right now. As always, I really want to know, but I know how good you are at keeping your plans a secret from me. I just want to say, so that it's heard, that I am breaking right now. I keep trying to believe I'm not weak and to trust that it is you in others tell me I'm supposed to be here, but I really don't know if this is for me. If this was last semester, my prayer would have only been to end this, any type of way possible. However, now I want to get through this, but I want to get through it well, with a not-so-bad outcome. But it looks so bad right now....please help.
Still trusting you, but trying to play my part.
Your child,
♥ Shay

As Promised, A Poem

Hello Loves!

For the rest of my college students, good luck with your finals! I know I'm drowning in them now!

Anywho, as promised, I have poem for you guys! Please, leave feedback and comments on it, as it all means a bunch to me. I performed this poem this past Friday at Open Mic at my school, and I loved the feedback I got there. I hope you guys enjoy!

Oh, P.S.-- if you see something interesting in the ad link boxes, don't be afraid to click on them! I promise they're not spam! Also, it helps me earns a little change in the process...so it's harmless for all involved....

♥ Shay

So Cliché

I used to think these poems were about you

And you still do, don't you?

Even when it’s you, these are still my feelings

It just needs to be known that iFeel

Still,

Not being able to get over you is embarrassing.

like spinach in your teeth

shower singing on live TV

like tripping UP the stairs

multiple times, no alcohol

like needing the ingredient list to Mac and cheese

Some things should be obvious and easily avoided but you

You linger.

like smoke in fabric

Newport’s in my sheets bugging me out of my sleep

like dust in the air

you linger like a hangover the next morning

or the squealing ring from last night's loud music

like people with nowhere else to be

all proof of When Pleasure takes a Sharp Left and becomes A Pain in the Ass...

also: like wallets of me and you from semi's and formals

like that teddy bear you gave me that my mom refuses to throw away

or all those poems I wrote when you weren't my pain in the ass

Damn, I wish you'd go away

like I wish away pimples

like I wish I wasn't a girl every 21-23 days

like I wish away st. louis rains and winds, bad little cousins,

nightmares, and headaches

like I wish away being broke, like I wish away my fear of trusting again,

like I wish away those damn papers I should be writing right now

These clichés are for a cliché topic you

as you were (oops) as you are

all talk not many actions

declarations of love acts of selfishness

all get no give

Still, you charming, better than subpar but far from being worthwhile

I be damned if we don't love the classics.

And the classics die hard:

you will be back again

before bell-bottoms return

before people stop praising all-things-Beyonce

before another dumb ass tries to single-handedly take over Russia

and you'll try to inch and squirm back to where you used to be

and be 'just friends' until you think I'm your only option left

honestly, a twinge of me guiltily enjoys you

like a second piece of cake

like reading somebody else's diary

like knowing the words to a Miley Cyrus or Gucci Mane song

(but just a little, so don't get crazy or all caught up in your emotions)

I'm just saying the dumb shit you do tickles me!

Typical like clichés everywhere I turn

and as annoying as you are, I can't get you

or these damn clichés

far away from me

Guess I just gotta suck it up and find a way to live with you

like bad ass drivers

like dumb smart people

like paying taxes

like my momma

like criminals

like red lipstick on cheeks left by old church ladies

like ParkMudd ice cream stealers

LIKE SMART DUMB PEOPLE

and etc.

Grey Skies

I hate grey skies.

I hate it how it makes noon feel like evening time. I hate how it makes me carry around my umbrella, waiting for the rain to fall.

I especially hate how it makes me want to stay in all day and sleep.

Today is going to be difficult, with these grey skies and all. And then it's a Monday, my least favorite day of the week.

Never the less, I'm still blessed.
I'm alive. I have clothes and shoes. I still have a job. My bills are paid. I only have one class today.

For all the things that aren't done or aren't done right in my life at the moment, I still gotta say thank you.

Make moves people, and be happy.

♥ Shay

Do You Rep Yo City?

Saw this on twitter....

DevinFerrari: So now everyone wants to b from NYC cause of Jay & A. Keys. A few years ago everyone was claiming ATL cause of the crunk music..

And it made me wonder how people feel about their city. Especially Memphis people. Do you feel proud of your city? Do you represent it, or do you diss it? Do you accept other people dissing where you're from?

I personally am mixed on the issue. I appreciate Memphis for making me what I am, for exposing me to what it has exposed to me. At the same time, I get angry and frustrated with Memphis for what it has exposed me to. Sometimes I'm embarrassed of the problems we have.

Also, I never understand how people say they love to visit Memphis or when they say they want to live there. In another moment, I myself will wrestle with going back. About going back and making positive changes. But at the same time, sometimes I'm so discouraged that I feel the best thing I can do is stay away from it.

And take how I feel about Memphis, and compare it to how alot of people I meet from Chicago feel about their city. --->cue "Put On" and skip to Kanye's verse...

SOUND OFF! I WANNA KNOW HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT WHERE YOU'RE FROM!

I'm Not Ruined, Just a Little Wounded :-(

Going through my Google Reader, I came across this article over at Fly Guy Chronicles, and I really felt a need to respond to it. What better place than my blog?

I don't feel like someone can "ruin" you, but it can wound your emotions for a long time. In relationships, we take so many injuries to our emotions with silence, because we're taught to pick and choose our battles in the world of love. Well, if the injuries come too frequently with no room to heal, then you just get burned out. So I can relate to the woman who said that she was just too drained to not put too much energy into another person. Word.

I don't know what my point is with this, except to say that I've felt that way before. Lol. But it's not fair to treat the next like the ex. <--yeah homie, i'm rhyming!

Oh, the question about if it's cocky to ask if you "ruined" someone. Idk, I feel like that's a respectable characteristic, to want to be aware of your past flaws. And sometimes, I feel like it's a good time to give that other person a chance to say what they really felt, because like I said, people choose their battles in relationships. I've had ex's asked me what they did right and what they did wrong in the past, and I think it gave us both a good sigh of relief. I don't know if it counts that I broke off the relationships or not. But I only break off because it always ends up that I'm quietly suffocating what the other person is oblivious or unable to change their ways.

Does that make me the victim then?

Who knows. I don't see myself as a victim. Misunderstood, maybe. But not a victim.

Anyway, enough on relationships and such tonight, just needed to share. BUT:

Feel free to give me your perspective. Do you feel like you can ruin or be ruined by someone?

In other news, I'm still looking for a boo. :-)
Just Kidding! Lmao. I'm chilling.
♥ Shay

Ugh. Writer's Block

I been really frustrated lately, in a writer's way.

I haven't written a good poem in ages....

I can't wait to get back to school, get back to Inklings and going to poetry slams. It's always good inspiration when you're inspired by other poets.

I have so many one-liners and broken pieces of poems of poems. But nothing sticks. It all fades lately.

I'll be taking Poetry Writing this semester. Hopefully I'll learn something...

As J. Ivy says..."I Need to Write"



♥ Shay

Video Frenzy: Playlist of a 90s Parties

these are the songs that marked my childhood, plus some lol.

the crazy thing is...I don't think I ever saw the video for them then. Maybe that was intentional? But every party I heard them, and my sister and her friends were always listening to them.

Daisy Dukes

At my family reunion this year, my uncle told the story of how he took me to the fair and I kept singing this! I don't remember that though...

Tootsie Roll

...this ain't the butterfly, it's the tootsie roll!

Hydrolics

Uncle Luke...say what you want about him...was the hit-master in the 90s.

This is How We Do It

Was Montell Jordan holding it down for the Male R&B all by himself back then? I don't count R. Kelly...he's always been his own genre: FreaknB

Nice walk down memory lane...Now back to oh-nine.

♥ Shay

What I've Been Up To

My apologies everyone for not writing lately. Not doing a good job of keeping ya'll entertained am I?

Let me just say that I've had some eventful times lately. This is huge news because anyone that has talked to me lately knows how bored I've been in Memphis for the longest. The last couple of weeks have been really good to me though. I've been out a few times with friends, new and old. Possibly had some spirits...:-)....lifted that is. Just a good time.

One of my previous posts talked about lack of patience and how to get the time to past a little faster. A fellow blogger in the blogosphere- KT -- suggested that I live a little, following the famous motto that "Time flies when you're having fun." Well that's what's been happening! And the memories I've had the last couple of weeks are priceless. Before I realized it, August is sneaking up on me.

Life is just good right now. Financially, I'm still in a hole, and it's actually deeper. I had to pay for an optometrist appointment, have to pay on $200+ eyeglasses, and have a series of dentists' appointments coming up. PLUS I have to figure out how to get this stuff for school.
But none of that matters right now. Life is good. I have an amazing big sis, an adorable baby niece, even more nieces and nephews, parents who just celebrated a 32nd anniversary, a cousin who's still my right hand (wo)man when it comes to it, and some crazy/sexy/cool friends.

Why should I complain?

My big bro from WashU, Gerald (follow him here), wrote on the #howdareyou trend a couple days ago. The best: #howdareyou complain all the time. Life's too short for all that. That's how I'm feeling right now. What's the use of making your life and the ones around you suffer from your skewed perspective?

Get out and live! Take the bad if it comes your way. It'll make the good that much sweeter! Enjoy the time with old friends, and take the time to make new ones. And don't forget the smiles and the moments that make you smile. You'll need them on the dark nights.

So yeah. Pardon me for not writing. I've had a few issues brewing in me, but none that can be developed enough to post here. I don't know...I could just do a variety day and post it all. But you all will have to comment!

♥ and Peace,
Shay