Jesus be a magic 8-ball and make this difficult decision for me. I doubt myself more than any functioning person should. I question choices I make to the point of being disabling. My problem is that I can see the pros and cons of either situation I'm looking at, but my problem is that I can never bring myself to be unbiased to the weight of the pros and cons. Like, each only be 1 point, and let the quantity outweigh the fact that 1 issue could be greater than 3 benefits?
It is a hard decision. And I've been praying that God would show me what to do, or at least give me confirmation of what I should be doing. And it feels like God isn't answering me right now. It isn't saying no or yes, it seems. It's like he's giving me the free will to make my choice. Crazy thing is, this is the time where I don't want the decions! I'm screaming, Jesus take the wheel and give me a big, clear sign of what you need for me to do. Because if God points me in the right direction, I can make myself with whatever from here on out. But if I do it... well, I've been known to get things wrong. Often.

I know this is all a part of growing up, but this ish is tough!

In a Mood...

I guess it hurts because the loneliness makes me feel inadequate. Like its my fault I'm alone.
Like its my fault I didn't make any of them happy.
Like it's all my fault. Maybe it is. That's how it feels at least.
If only my heart did substitutions, I'd trade this longing into optimism.
And maybe I could finally get over the hill I made from the hole I dug.

Thoughts on My Mind: Mini-Rants

::Sigh::

... words are all i cling to, and when I need them most, I don't have any to give.

::Love is Complicated::

Love... I still want for it, but I wander if wanting for such an ideal is foolish. I'm learning the disappointment that comes from expectations of people when we're in love, and the confusion of what we want to do and what we actually do in love. I think Facebook should remove all other status options except "it's complicated" because anytime two people attach themselves together, it gets complicated. Even when they're perfectly happy, it's complicated. 

::I'm the Jealous Type::

Jealousy has been my weakness for many years. Though people say horoscopes aren't real, the portrayal of Scorpios as jealous creatures has my name written all over it. Years ago, I tried to deny that it was an issue, often blaming the jealousy on other principles or issues. But as I've gotten older, I find that it is only fair to let those who are close to me know what the deal really is. I get jealous when I know I have no position to be jealous. I get jealous about people even when they aren't a real threat. Hell, I get jealous of my friends becoming friends without me. Is it insecurity? A little--I'm grown enough to admit that about myself too. But my jealousy really comes from my knowledge that life doesn't run off of logic, but moreso instincts and uncontrollable variables. Ever heard of friends becoming lovers? Yeah, they didn't see that shit coming their damn selves. It also comes from the part of me that finds something great and unique in everybody, and the jealousy is just me wanting what they have. I don't know. I'm not proud of my jealousy, just aware of it. And I just really hope that the next person I'm with will work with me on it, and know that I'm trying to fix it. In return, I can promise them that I try to keep it at bay. I won't bring it up often, I don't go searching through your cell phone. But I will raise my eyebrows at too many chicks around you-- i wanna know who they are, how long they been around. But other than that, I'm pretty mild. But yes, I'm jealous. Even petty sometimes. So sue me.

::#TeamNoKids....Right Now::

I am deathly afraid of the thought of having kids right now. I notice how when I'm with my niece and she won't stop crying that I start to fall apart. Who knew that a toddler could make you feel so helpless? You can't talk to them, you can't rationalize with them, and fear doesn't even work with them. I'm always afraid that I won't be able to manage kids. Hell, I have a hard time managing myself. Can I really do that to another child? And what about the father? I declare, that if I somehow end up with some trifling baby-daddy situation, or a non-active paternal figure in my child's life, I'mma have to kidnap his ass and tie him to see-saw to play with his child. I ain't gonna lie and say I'm superwoman. I just told you what my niece does to my nerves! Girl or boy, my child  needs a daddy. Not that I'm having any of them any time soon.

No shade to the ladies handling it and holding it down with little ones right now, but that definitely wasn't in the plan for me. I don't have an anticipation for kids, except with the thought of a husband. Maybe my maternal biological clock is on snooze.

::About My Education::

Every time I tell people I'm majoring in English, they ask me am I going to be a teacher. NO. I wanna wear a sign that says, "English majors do more than teach." One girl went so far as to almost utter that an English degree is useless. Uhm...  the simple ass spelling errors all over Facebook profiles and in tweets by GROWN FOLKS seem to suggest some people should have considered the major. Why is it so hard for people to imagine that an English major would want to be a writer? Like, when you meet art majors, you don't ask them if they're gonna teach Art History, do you? Not knocking any one who does pursue these paths because we always need great teachers, but it's different when it's your passion. It's a totally different story when it is assumed upon you.

I'm an English major because if I'm gonna spend thousands of dollars over the course of years for a degree, it's going to be in something I love. And trust me, it's MY money i'm spending.

::Don't Ask Rhetorical Questions!::

It really bugs the mess out of me when people who claim they care about me never take the time to listen to my issues. Like, don't ask me how I'm doing and then start talking about yourself before I utter  a word. And don't say you want to get to know me if you don't wanna know about my random days, or my relationship with my family, or my favorite color, or even my crazy ass dream I had about you. If we can only talk about an us, or abstract intellectual conversations, and never divulge anything about our individual selves, we're just long-time strangers. That gets under my skin. And If I ask you about yourself, that's because I actually want to know. Don't ignore my question, unless you just wanna be ignored. We can work with that too...

Nothing Hurts Like an Epiphany

Which is really just a nice way of saying you bumped your head on a hard truth. The absence of God from my life makes for a congested but lonely life. Some things that are bad for you God won't take away-- instead he'll leave it for you to take out your own trash. And that success has failure at something else embedded into it.

OAN...

I've seen the other side, and for once it's as green as imagined.
It's refreshing to see a reality rooted in my dream.

OAN...

I've seen the other side, and for once it's as green as imagined.
It's refreshing to see a reality rooted in my dream.

Sex, Love, Pain [1st draft]

Sex me, Love me, Take my pain.
Let's stroll in the sunshine
And play in the rain.
Love sex and pain
are grown folks thangs
So don't jump in today
If you're not gonna stay.
My loyalty is intuituve
I'm into you, I'll stick with you
I'll give it all to you
I'll do it all for you
With the assurance
that you'd do it for me too.
We can be a duo, I know
Where we can go
 We'll be flyer
than red-breasted robins
robbing haters of envy
And spending the chump change
On helping chumps change
We can be movements by ourselves
And revolutions when we're together
We  might stir a war and pop shots
In the middle of our own joy
But we don't need cops to reconcile
love makes us both fools and friends
and we mend like the carpenter who taught us
that our pain is inevitable in this  game
but our embrace is the perfect solace.
i know we will be just fine.
come hell or high waters
we'll go blow for blow with the bull
round after round in the bed
and now and forever in this life, together.

Retreating

I left this blog a while ago to start my tumblr life. But the Tumblr lifestyle pressures one to give up their authenticity, something that Blogger has always pushed to enforce. So for now, while no one is watching, I'm gonna return to seeking and finding.