Lessons From Sophomore Year

So last year I did a note on lessons I learned from Freshmen year. (Link >>> here)

Well, I decided it was time to do it again. So here goes.

1. Your REAL friends return for another year. You all might get busy and start to miss each other, but no one forgets about the other.
2. New friends come along, and if they belong, they just FIT. Meaning, you don't feel like you're forced to change for them.
3. Sophomore year comes and you start to see the snakes in the grass.
4. It's amusing watching freshmen learn the same lessons you learned.
5. Some people have never had to financially take care of themselves before. So they don't understand questions like "How much is your cell phone bill?" or statements like "I need gas money."
6. Declaring a major is hard because you have to start thinking about real life.
7. People are [STILL] there to help you. Just because you're not a freshmen anymore doesn't mean you won't still need someone to talk to you, to tutor you, to help you study, etc.
8. Even I, with all my flaws, has something to teach someone.
9. Mentoring is so amazing! And it's not just about what you can teach, but also what you can learn.
10. When people do wrong by you, the feeling that follows hurt is apathy.
11. There are still reasons left not to give up on the male species. There are some out there that are true gentlemen.
12. Dress for yourself. Because if you don't dress up, people got something to say. If you do dress up, people got all the questions in the world about where you going and who you dressing up for.
13. Good friends can support you, even if they don't understand.
14. Too much alcohol - food = bad idea.
15. The best birthdays are with good friends.
16.The world thinks that successful black women can't get married.
17. Sometimes, the people who look they're trying to be a part of the solution are the whole damn problem to begin with.
18. You get burned out on lower BD food before the first semester is over.
19. Nikki Giovanni is so real, I can understand why the FBI might have had her on a list.
20. Shihan is still fine, even though he is married with kids, and he cut his hair off.
21. Family Guy, after you get used to the humor, is your favoritest show to watch at two in the morning.
22. Pastor Kearney Thomas is HIGHlarious lmao. But also somewhat of an embarrassment.
23. Twitter brings drama that we haven't seen since the invention of the picture phone. (see video below for clarification)



24. The things your parents don't know about you grows and grows. But it's not so bad now because you're getting old enough to make choices like that.
25. Waking up is sometimes harder than just staying up.
26. Sometimes you have not because you ask not. So just ask.
27. Every new year in hip-hop and rap makes you wonder how people like Waka and Soulja boy are making all the money, and people like B.O.B. and Wale are struggling.
28. I look good with bangs

29. You have to learn to give yourself more credit for your accomplishments. Most people are so busy with their own lives that everyone doesn't always have time to stop and pat you on the back.
30. People who support you make time to help you cope.
31. A blender makes dull Friday nights so much better.
32. Hulu and Netflix gives your computer a whole new purpose.
33. God's grace and mercy is so real, even when you're too busy to believe it.
34. People read my blog! ♥
35. You just got to live your life the way that makes you happy. If you do that, don't let the other ish get too deep under your skin, and know that everything happens for a reason, you paint yourself a beautiful life.

I'm stopping at 35 this year. ♥ Thanks to everyone who has helped me learn this year and have been with me throughout the school year; I love you all:
Jacqui, Chavelle, Lamar, Ryadah, Jerrica, Riean, Twin BayBay, Liz, Ms. LaShawnda, J-Strong, Portia, Natalie, Teaire, my Mommy!, my Daddy! ..............and any other names I forgot, insert here _________!

Leave your comments and your lessons learned!
♥ Shay

Simplified Complicated

After my last post, I got to talking to my booski via skype about sex without love, and then some more stuff. I love having smart friends, because they're capable of juggling complex ideas with you and can be okay with not reaching a solution.

Summary: we came to the conclusion that I like things in life a little complicated...or elaborate, if you will. It's a bittersweet addiction. On one end, my complicated life keeps me on my toes, keeps me motivated, moving, working towards something, it's exciting! But on the other side of the coin, complicated can get dirty, stressful, tiring, painful, and leave me running for the hills.

Which brings me to the point that I like my simplicity. I do. But I know I don't want a simple life. For one, I'll always be expecting it to go belly-up and get wayyyy out of line. Or if it doesn't do that, I'd just be bored, and probably settle into some pattern of complacency of life.

So how do I balance the two? I make simple choices in a complicated life. My friend argued back that you can't make simple choices for everything, and my counterargument was that I just have a simple procedure for reaching my conclusions and stances on things.  Why? Because life is gonna be complicated regardless of what plans you make. People with the best plans can still have fucked up lives. So why exert the extra effort of trying to avoid the inevitable?

I rather save that adrenaline for when the storm comes instead of hyping myself up on what MIGHT happen. I spent a good part of my life always worried bout what would happen next and the consequences of not weighing all the options of the future, blah blah blah.  Well, I don't even know all the options of the future, and all I really know is where I come from and what I am in the very moment. Everything else is a foolish attempt to play God. And trying to be God is a move that the devil himself knows isn't a good role to try to play.

I focus on the here and now and doing the best i can at the margin of time closest to me. When it feels too mundane, i reevaluate myself for complacency, for a decrease in drive, for a decrease in love of life. Because the easiest way to make it through life is to go through loving it. And if you aren't loving live, then life is just happening to you and you're not living at all.

I'm a complicaed being, I know. And I feel so misunderstood so much. I felt misunderstood having the conversation that this post stemmed from. I feel like my parents don't get me, and even my very best friends will attest that they've had their moments where all they could say was "WTF are you doing Shay?" Just for me to look at them, give them what I think is a  logical answer, and them still just writing it off as whatever.

I don't really take it personal anymore. Okay, that's a lie, I kinda sorta get in my feelings. But I remember that they have moments I don't understand them and just let it be.

It's hard being complicated sometimes, but I would hate to be simple and boring. I don't know. Maybe I already am.

Because I really want some tulips...

♥ Shay

Coffee, No Cream, Please

Actually, I can't even drink coffee...gives me anxiety attacks.

But the title comes from the often-used phrase, "Milk in my Coffee," usually referring to interracial dating and the such. This topic, ladies and gentlemen, is brought to you by way of this article over at Three Ways to Take It. I won't do the article an injustice by trying to summarize it. As always, I highly encourage you to go read it yourself if you're interested.


But I said all that to say...that I felt a need to respond to this one. So, for your enjoyment, what I have to say about alot of stuff, especially being a black [almost] woman and all these messages telling me to date outside the box:

March 8, 2010 at 12:42 am
Although I’m sure this is a conversation for much more “grown people,” I couldn’t resist commenting.


In my short 20 years of life and “relationships,” I haven’t actually considered dating outside my race. Even attending a PWI, where the black community is small and filled with enough drama to create a Lifetime movie, I still have a strong passion for black love.


I’m not racist, but there isn’t anything attractive about white men to me. I will admit to have a small crush on Puerto Rican dudes, but that’s another story. I love and appreciate each and every culture that makes this world of ours go round, but…I have yet to meet someone outside my race that catches my attention and makes me want to pursue them.


And yes, I have noticed the interracial talk seems to get more and more spark every day. Everywhere I turn, it seems to say that the only options I have as a black woman is to be a ghetto hood chick that wants a thug, or become educated and successful and turn into a bitch that looks down on all black men. It’s like a black woman with any type of intellect will find herself strongly disappointed with black male prospects. And I find it to be far from the truth.


I think black men and women need to quit giving up so easily on each other. We’ll keep having problems if everybody nags and no one listens to the other. And men and women are just that, no matter what their race or culture is. Dating outside your race doesn’t erase the relationship problems.


I, too, am fine with what people choose to do, as long as they’re happy and not dragging someone else down in the process. I just know that [when] I daydream about being swept of my feet one day….I mean, when I think about my future…it’s usually me with a black guy.


Shay, the college girl.

That's Just How I Like It ::Kanye shrug::


So uh...how do you like your coffee? Or do you even life coffee? And am I the only one who reads the messages out there like this?


As always, with ♥
♥ Shay

Why you have a FB, a twitter, a formspring, skype, and another IM service

Okay, all of ya'll most of us have been lying.

And whether you're aware of your lying, and you're just putting on a front for others, or if you actually believe your own hype, then that's another thing in yourself.

I think I've touched on this before somewhere, but our generation is so freaking connected. We are truly in an era where distance has less of an impact on bonds and communications. I often joke with people that I use my phone so many other things than calling people. I pay ATT too damn much mostly for the chance to

*check my email * text all day * tweet from class * make skype calls * read blogs on the go * sync my calendar * check FB for new photos * share photos * ...you get the picture.

Why do we need all this? Why do I need to keep up with which password is for which site or which app? How come the question "Tell me something people don't know about you" is becoming harder and harder to answer.

We say it's to keep in touch with friends. Some of us might even admit to it because, "everybody was doing it." But that's not a real reason. It's time to be real.

Everybody has a million ways to be connected because we all want to be heard.
We want to be important to someone. There is a need and compulsion to grabbing for attention.

Objection: "I don't do it [tweet, fb, blog, whatever] for attention. "
Response: You sure ain't doing it for your health. If it wasn't for attention, then you wouldn't have had a need to post it in the first place.

Objection: "I could care less what people have to say about it."
Response: Yeah, you could care less, but the point is you do care! Shoot, you care that people care.

I'm not saying that wanting attention is a bad thing. I'm just saying that it's a natural thing we do as people. We reach. We reach and we hope that if we reach out enough, someone will reach back. And today's technology gives us so many arms to reach with. But somehow, we still end up coming up short.

Having so many ways to reach people has changed our focus from quality to quantity. How many people can we reach is the new goal. Even if it isn't, that's how it ends up happening. Our generation misses out so much on the depth that used to define relationships, friendships, etc. It's so easy to make friends and connections now that the work it took to getting to know someone is gone.

This is what ends up happening: one day you need a REAL friend, and realize that none of the 300 "friends" you have on Facebook can help. Rubs me weirdly. And the other thing that happens: you try to tell someone about yourself, and you realized that all the basics have been covered in your blog. Then what do you talk about?

These are just my ideas...and like I said, we all want to be heard. Lol.
What are your thoughts?

♥ Shay

Hate Isn't Strong Enough

So I'm watching this movie in class called Mandingo and I am infuriated!!! I know it's part of my history but seeing how blacks were treated and thought about is so infuriating!

I can't take this. I might come back to this topic later.


- Posted by Shay from my iPhone

Click It...U Know You Wanna...

Hey all,

I don't really have much to say today, but I've been chewing over some of the stuff I've read. Some of these bloggers I know personally, and some of them I've just stumbled upon. If you're looking for something interesting to read, or you just want a new blog to stumble on, check out these:


Single Black Male tells you what makes him feel insecure...
The Fly Guy wants to know who you think is the hottest celebrity couple...
Over at Fourth Thursday, he discusses black love and relationships, and the idea of "worth"...
Then go to All Who Wander to see how she responded to Fourth Thursday...


Bonus: The first Rihanna video I've liked in a long time!



Have a good day!
♥ Shay

Being in Love by Yourself

is not something I'm trying to do again.

I was reading --->THIS over at jaychanelle's page. No, definitely go read it...the girl is on her ish. Anyway, she starts talking about how relationships are not 50/50, an how sometimes you have to bend for the other. This is a truth I acknowledge and agree fully with. But I, along with a bunch of experienced people, can tell you that sometimes this can become a guise for being in love all by yourself.

So what does it mean to be in love by yourself? It's when you feel like you're the only person who want need the relationship to last. Your spouse seems nonchalant toward you or lazy in the relationship. You look up one day and you're the only one calling, always making the plans, and having to be the first one to say "I Love You" "We Need to Talk." Before you realize you're in love by yourself, you might make up excuses like "s/he appreciates me, they just don't know how to show it." or "S/he just doesn't have the time, but s/he loves me."

These are all false. Not to steal jaychanelle's thunder, but if someone is really serious about being in a relationship, they make the time. They'll find a way to juggle homework and quality time for you. And they learn how to says "thank you" or, as they should, reciprocate the feelings. Being in love by yourself might make you look like a hero in some way--fighting for love despite the lack of help--but you're not. You're just weighing yourself down.

I won't discount the people who have stuck it through, even when they were getting nothing, and are now stronger than ever. This is the exception. Too often, it's not until they are in jeopardy of losing something that people finally make the choice to give support in the relationship. My question is: if it takes the threat of losing you (especially if this has to happen repeatedly) for someone to be the type of mate you need, do you really want to be with them?

Like I said before, I don't want to have to do this again. I've done it, and it can weaken you, it can weaken your trust in relationships. Don't let yourself be subject to it. Even more, don't put yourself through it. If a guy or girl tells you that they're not ready for a relationship or they can't give you what you need, believe them. I'm sorry, but the whole "I'll still be here for you" while still hoping in the back of your mind that one day they'll be indebted to you for your support....ain't gonna work.


I'm not trying to kill dreams here, but just trying to say, if you allow the lies to go on too long, you'll start to feel like a victim of love and be around here like Amy Winehouse, calling love a losing game.

Don't be in love by yourself. If you are, you better off letting whoever that is go and just being in love with yourself.


Until next time,
♥ Shay

P.S. -- If you already think love is a losing game, check out Amy below:

Be TRUTHFULLY Honest!

What is the balance between living life the way you want to and adhering the advice and concerns of others?

I'm finding that the satisfaction I pledged to obey in 2010 is being challenged left and right by various people. It's only difficult because it comes from the mouths of loved ones. Those are the people you don't really want to disappoint. And I wonder, am I being stubborn and foolish, or is it just my confidence??

I find that what people suggest I be just doesn't fit who I want to be right now. I'm 20 years old, and I'm at a point in my life where I want to see certain things, try to do certain things, etc. And to manage my money like some or to have fun like some do....it doesn't work for me. What to do?

Don't mistake this for trying to live for anybody....it's just trying to figure out how to best live for myself. I can accept that I don't always know best...but when do I actually know what's best for me?


Help me figure this out you guys! Leave a comment. Message me. Text me. Call me...Just give me some answers. You can even answer anonymously if you have something to tell me about myself that you can't personally say.

Living. Loving. Forgiving.
♥ Shay

Do You Rep Yo City?

Saw this on twitter....

DevinFerrari: So now everyone wants to b from NYC cause of Jay & A. Keys. A few years ago everyone was claiming ATL cause of the crunk music..

And it made me wonder how people feel about their city. Especially Memphis people. Do you feel proud of your city? Do you represent it, or do you diss it? Do you accept other people dissing where you're from?

I personally am mixed on the issue. I appreciate Memphis for making me what I am, for exposing me to what it has exposed to me. At the same time, I get angry and frustrated with Memphis for what it has exposed me to. Sometimes I'm embarrassed of the problems we have.

Also, I never understand how people say they love to visit Memphis or when they say they want to live there. In another moment, I myself will wrestle with going back. About going back and making positive changes. But at the same time, sometimes I'm so discouraged that I feel the best thing I can do is stay away from it.

And take how I feel about Memphis, and compare it to how alot of people I meet from Chicago feel about their city. --->cue "Put On" and skip to Kanye's verse...

SOUND OFF! I WANNA KNOW HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT WHERE YOU'RE FROM!

I'm Not Ruined, Just a Little Wounded :-(

Going through my Google Reader, I came across this article over at Fly Guy Chronicles, and I really felt a need to respond to it. What better place than my blog?

I don't feel like someone can "ruin" you, but it can wound your emotions for a long time. In relationships, we take so many injuries to our emotions with silence, because we're taught to pick and choose our battles in the world of love. Well, if the injuries come too frequently with no room to heal, then you just get burned out. So I can relate to the woman who said that she was just too drained to not put too much energy into another person. Word.

I don't know what my point is with this, except to say that I've felt that way before. Lol. But it's not fair to treat the next like the ex. <--yeah homie, i'm rhyming!

Oh, the question about if it's cocky to ask if you "ruined" someone. Idk, I feel like that's a respectable characteristic, to want to be aware of your past flaws. And sometimes, I feel like it's a good time to give that other person a chance to say what they really felt, because like I said, people choose their battles in relationships. I've had ex's asked me what they did right and what they did wrong in the past, and I think it gave us both a good sigh of relief. I don't know if it counts that I broke off the relationships or not. But I only break off because it always ends up that I'm quietly suffocating what the other person is oblivious or unable to change their ways.

Does that make me the victim then?

Who knows. I don't see myself as a victim. Misunderstood, maybe. But not a victim.

Anyway, enough on relationships and such tonight, just needed to share. BUT:

Feel free to give me your perspective. Do you feel like you can ruin or be ruined by someone?

In other news, I'm still looking for a boo. :-)
Just Kidding! Lmao. I'm chilling.
♥ Shay

Who Completes Me?

Let's get something straight.

I'm not that scared to admit my flaws. I'm far from perfect, and even a premature look at this blog can tell you that. And I don't think I'm holier than anyone.

With that said, I wanted to talk about a major error in relationship mentalities:

You complete me.

We love to hear people say it to their mates. We long for the day to say it to someone. When they say it in love stories, we go "aawww!"

But we shouldn't. This is not a good thing!

Now, before you start labeling me as a bitter young lady, just listen.

A pastor once came to our worship service at my college. We were talking about relationships, and he's the one that brought up the point that we shouldn't look for someone to complete us. The truth is...you should be complete before you ever try to find someone to be with. If you look at your life and say, "Something's missing," then don't try to fill it with a person! It probably means something is missing, and you should figure out what it is about your world that is leaving you feeling like that.

Look at it this way: if you have a "hole" in your life, and you fill it with someone, you become attached to that person prematurely. You're so occupied with making sure your "hole" is filled that you fail to evaluate what you're filling it with. And when that person leaves, what are you left with?
A bigger hole than you had at first. You will have given this someone some of yourself [time, energy, intimacy, etc] that you'll feel like you can't get back.

Instead, after you're pretty complete and confident on your own, find someone to complement you. Granted, this should be a person who doesn't need completing as well.

Let's briefly clear a misconception though:
Being complete does not equal being perfect.
It doesn't mean that you have to wait to finish school, find the perfect job, have your own place, have your own car, and etc. If that what works for you, then by all means, do it. But these are not absolute terms of being complete.Completing yourself is a mental confidence and assurance you have to have before you go along meshing your life with someone else's.

• If you're not over your ex, you're not complete. If you get in a relationship in this state, you're just be replacing the last one with the next one, and the pain will build.
• If you have self-esteem issues, fix that before you move on. Because you'll use the next guy/girl's affection as a substitute for the confidence you should have yourself. This won't seem like a problem in the midst of the relationship, but if things ever get rocky, it will all come crashing down.
• If you haven't made serious decisions about your life [how long do I want to be in school? when am i comfortable having sex? what do I look for in a guy/girl?] then you should answer those questions for yourself. If you don't, someone else will answer them for you.

None of this makes for less romance. It doesn't mean you can't look forward to a mate. It doesn't mean that someone isn't coming to sweep you off your feet or change your world. It just means that when they come, you'll be grounded and ready for take-off. Who wants to catch someone who's drifting?

I've had to learn a lot of this the hard way, and I'm still in the process of learning. Like I said, I'm not perfect. To be honest, I don't think I'm complete at the moment. But I'm working towards it.

Fill your own holes people. Don't let someone else fill them for you.

**oh, in case in needs to be said, this is my own opinion and perspective. the only idea that has been borrowed is the idea of being complemented vs completed. the interpretation of this is my own.**

♥ Shay