Jesus be a magic 8-ball and make this difficult decision for me. I doubt myself more than any functioning person should. I question choices I make to the point of being disabling. My problem is that I can see the pros and cons of either situation I'm looking at, but my problem is that I can never bring myself to be unbiased to the weight of the pros and cons. Like, each only be 1 point, and let the quantity outweigh the fact that 1 issue could be greater than 3 benefits?
It is a hard decision. And I've been praying that God would show me what to do, or at least give me confirmation of what I should be doing. And it feels like God isn't answering me right now. It isn't saying no or yes, it seems. It's like he's giving me the free will to make my choice. Crazy thing is, this is the time where I don't want the decions! I'm screaming, Jesus take the wheel and give me a big, clear sign of what you need for me to do. Because if God points me in the right direction, I can make myself with whatever from here on out. But if I do it... well, I've been known to get things wrong. Often.

I know this is all a part of growing up, but this ish is tough!

In a Mood...

I guess it hurts because the loneliness makes me feel inadequate. Like its my fault I'm alone.
Like its my fault I didn't make any of them happy.
Like it's all my fault. Maybe it is. That's how it feels at least.
If only my heart did substitutions, I'd trade this longing into optimism.
And maybe I could finally get over the hill I made from the hole I dug.

Thoughts on My Mind: Mini-Rants

::Sigh::

... words are all i cling to, and when I need them most, I don't have any to give.

::Love is Complicated::

Love... I still want for it, but I wander if wanting for such an ideal is foolish. I'm learning the disappointment that comes from expectations of people when we're in love, and the confusion of what we want to do and what we actually do in love. I think Facebook should remove all other status options except "it's complicated" because anytime two people attach themselves together, it gets complicated. Even when they're perfectly happy, it's complicated. 

::I'm the Jealous Type::

Jealousy has been my weakness for many years. Though people say horoscopes aren't real, the portrayal of Scorpios as jealous creatures has my name written all over it. Years ago, I tried to deny that it was an issue, often blaming the jealousy on other principles or issues. But as I've gotten older, I find that it is only fair to let those who are close to me know what the deal really is. I get jealous when I know I have no position to be jealous. I get jealous about people even when they aren't a real threat. Hell, I get jealous of my friends becoming friends without me. Is it insecurity? A little--I'm grown enough to admit that about myself too. But my jealousy really comes from my knowledge that life doesn't run off of logic, but moreso instincts and uncontrollable variables. Ever heard of friends becoming lovers? Yeah, they didn't see that shit coming their damn selves. It also comes from the part of me that finds something great and unique in everybody, and the jealousy is just me wanting what they have. I don't know. I'm not proud of my jealousy, just aware of it. And I just really hope that the next person I'm with will work with me on it, and know that I'm trying to fix it. In return, I can promise them that I try to keep it at bay. I won't bring it up often, I don't go searching through your cell phone. But I will raise my eyebrows at too many chicks around you-- i wanna know who they are, how long they been around. But other than that, I'm pretty mild. But yes, I'm jealous. Even petty sometimes. So sue me.

::#TeamNoKids....Right Now::

I am deathly afraid of the thought of having kids right now. I notice how when I'm with my niece and she won't stop crying that I start to fall apart. Who knew that a toddler could make you feel so helpless? You can't talk to them, you can't rationalize with them, and fear doesn't even work with them. I'm always afraid that I won't be able to manage kids. Hell, I have a hard time managing myself. Can I really do that to another child? And what about the father? I declare, that if I somehow end up with some trifling baby-daddy situation, or a non-active paternal figure in my child's life, I'mma have to kidnap his ass and tie him to see-saw to play with his child. I ain't gonna lie and say I'm superwoman. I just told you what my niece does to my nerves! Girl or boy, my child  needs a daddy. Not that I'm having any of them any time soon.

No shade to the ladies handling it and holding it down with little ones right now, but that definitely wasn't in the plan for me. I don't have an anticipation for kids, except with the thought of a husband. Maybe my maternal biological clock is on snooze.

::About My Education::

Every time I tell people I'm majoring in English, they ask me am I going to be a teacher. NO. I wanna wear a sign that says, "English majors do more than teach." One girl went so far as to almost utter that an English degree is useless. Uhm...  the simple ass spelling errors all over Facebook profiles and in tweets by GROWN FOLKS seem to suggest some people should have considered the major. Why is it so hard for people to imagine that an English major would want to be a writer? Like, when you meet art majors, you don't ask them if they're gonna teach Art History, do you? Not knocking any one who does pursue these paths because we always need great teachers, but it's different when it's your passion. It's a totally different story when it is assumed upon you.

I'm an English major because if I'm gonna spend thousands of dollars over the course of years for a degree, it's going to be in something I love. And trust me, it's MY money i'm spending.

::Don't Ask Rhetorical Questions!::

It really bugs the mess out of me when people who claim they care about me never take the time to listen to my issues. Like, don't ask me how I'm doing and then start talking about yourself before I utter  a word. And don't say you want to get to know me if you don't wanna know about my random days, or my relationship with my family, or my favorite color, or even my crazy ass dream I had about you. If we can only talk about an us, or abstract intellectual conversations, and never divulge anything about our individual selves, we're just long-time strangers. That gets under my skin. And If I ask you about yourself, that's because I actually want to know. Don't ignore my question, unless you just wanna be ignored. We can work with that too...

Nothing Hurts Like an Epiphany

Which is really just a nice way of saying you bumped your head on a hard truth. The absence of God from my life makes for a congested but lonely life. Some things that are bad for you God won't take away-- instead he'll leave it for you to take out your own trash. And that success has failure at something else embedded into it.

OAN...

I've seen the other side, and for once it's as green as imagined.
It's refreshing to see a reality rooted in my dream.

OAN...

I've seen the other side, and for once it's as green as imagined.
It's refreshing to see a reality rooted in my dream.

Sex, Love, Pain [1st draft]

Sex me, Love me, Take my pain.
Let's stroll in the sunshine
And play in the rain.
Love sex and pain
are grown folks thangs
So don't jump in today
If you're not gonna stay.
My loyalty is intuituve
I'm into you, I'll stick with you
I'll give it all to you
I'll do it all for you
With the assurance
that you'd do it for me too.
We can be a duo, I know
Where we can go
 We'll be flyer
than red-breasted robins
robbing haters of envy
And spending the chump change
On helping chumps change
We can be movements by ourselves
And revolutions when we're together
We  might stir a war and pop shots
In the middle of our own joy
But we don't need cops to reconcile
love makes us both fools and friends
and we mend like the carpenter who taught us
that our pain is inevitable in this  game
but our embrace is the perfect solace.
i know we will be just fine.
come hell or high waters
we'll go blow for blow with the bull
round after round in the bed
and now and forever in this life, together.

Retreating

I left this blog a while ago to start my tumblr life. But the Tumblr lifestyle pressures one to give up their authenticity, something that Blogger has always pushed to enforce. So for now, while no one is watching, I'm gonna return to seeking and finding.

I'M MOVING!

....to Tumblr, that is :-)

My new blog home is url is http://alloveshaygore.tumblr.com/
I think there are some features about blogger that I will miss, but I really just enjoy the interface of Tumblr and the quick and easy options it offers for posting. So like when I wanna share quotes, or just put a picture up, I can.

Oh, and don't worry about not seeing the older posts anymore.... I've moved them all over to tumblr if you ever want to revisit them. The only problem is that the comments are gone, so that'll be gone.

I hope you guys will support my choice and follow me. And I'll try not to move too soon.

In my defense though, it's been about a year with Blogger! Not bad in my opinion!

So this is not goodbye, just see you later :-)

AND HURRY UP BECAUSE I'VE ALREADY STARTED POSTING THERE!
K,Thanx!

Me, Myself, and I: Feels Like Day 1

Hey you guys,

So my summer life has officially began. Today was my first day getting up with somewhere to go. But it didn't last long, and I was left with the blaring question of: what to do? The answers I had for myself were overwhelming. I wanted to read, and write, and I wanted to turn in books to the library, and the list goes on and on.

But 1) it was hella hot outside and 2) I was scared I was gonna run out of things to do.

In my defense, though, I did take the night to finish making finishing touches to my hair (which will be in an upcoming post), so that's where most of my time went. And I finished reading a book! But this general lack of emptiness around me is a little unsettling. It's bad enough that I already sometimes have bouts of self-induced mental loneliness, and now my surroundings are mimicking the inside. This empty suite, empty campus...plus a couple of other empty things... I really got to not let this get to me.

I'm pretty sure I just need to get in the swing of things. So, as always, I'm excited for an influx of STUFF to do, even though I know when it happens I'm gonna feel overwhelmed. ::shrug:: The circle of life at its best.

Made me realize, I'm scared of lonely, #noBeyonce. I don't like having an empty life. Like I always need work, or friendships, or a hobby or a boyfriend or something to keep me occupied. When I have too much free time I have to start pondering stuff that I'd decided to leave in the past. It's not always bad, since sometimes good stuff comes out of it.

Like today, I decided it was time to forgive someone. It was someone who's hurt me, although I'm not sure if they're aware or not that they did. And if they are aware, I think they're still too ruthless to even be concerned about it. but it's fine. Because I thought I'd left it alone when I decided that I hated strongly disliked them. But you haven't really moved on until you get to the stage of nonchalance, meaning, not caring. Because hating takes just as much energy as loving. And I have finally entered the stage of nonchalance.

Anyway, that was a random update. Long story short, I'm just ready to be busy and occupied again. And I need to be sleep! AAAHHH!

:-) TTYouGuysLater
♥ Shay

New Poem: Love Me or Leave Me Alone

This poem was inspired by a venting session with my bestie and my Scorp. A mesh of fact and fiction, the hypothetical and the actual, people you know and people you never heard of. So you don't have to ask me who this is about :-)
Enjoy!


Love Me or Leave Me Alone
Love me or leave me alone
...didn't understand it until now
you taunting me with your new gf
Yet still keeping in touch with me...

Love me or leave me alone
Apologizing for falling out of touch
And still keeping yourself distanced
Helps nothing but my irritation and questions

Love me or leave me alone
Both simultaneously isn't an option
I've already proved my commitment
Honestly I'm tired of  trying and losing
Pulling me down this endless road
The fucked up part is-- I care so much
I'd just about let you, too.

Love me or leave me alone
You're holding up progress to my happiness
You can be a part of that picture or not;
Give me an answer before I snap...

Beating around the bush
Trying to have me and her
Popping up when your life's convenient.
Being a woman in a feeling
Doesn't obligate me to wait
And waiting ain't wising you up
So let me explicitly say:

Love Me or Leave Me Alone
   Hoping for the former
   Praying it ain't the latter
   Grateful for an answer
if you give me either.

Lessons From Sophomore Year

So last year I did a note on lessons I learned from Freshmen year. (Link >>> here)

Well, I decided it was time to do it again. So here goes.

1. Your REAL friends return for another year. You all might get busy and start to miss each other, but no one forgets about the other.
2. New friends come along, and if they belong, they just FIT. Meaning, you don't feel like you're forced to change for them.
3. Sophomore year comes and you start to see the snakes in the grass.
4. It's amusing watching freshmen learn the same lessons you learned.
5. Some people have never had to financially take care of themselves before. So they don't understand questions like "How much is your cell phone bill?" or statements like "I need gas money."
6. Declaring a major is hard because you have to start thinking about real life.
7. People are [STILL] there to help you. Just because you're not a freshmen anymore doesn't mean you won't still need someone to talk to you, to tutor you, to help you study, etc.
8. Even I, with all my flaws, has something to teach someone.
9. Mentoring is so amazing! And it's not just about what you can teach, but also what you can learn.
10. When people do wrong by you, the feeling that follows hurt is apathy.
11. There are still reasons left not to give up on the male species. There are some out there that are true gentlemen.
12. Dress for yourself. Because if you don't dress up, people got something to say. If you do dress up, people got all the questions in the world about where you going and who you dressing up for.
13. Good friends can support you, even if they don't understand.
14. Too much alcohol - food = bad idea.
15. The best birthdays are with good friends.
16.The world thinks that successful black women can't get married.
17. Sometimes, the people who look they're trying to be a part of the solution are the whole damn problem to begin with.
18. You get burned out on lower BD food before the first semester is over.
19. Nikki Giovanni is so real, I can understand why the FBI might have had her on a list.
20. Shihan is still fine, even though he is married with kids, and he cut his hair off.
21. Family Guy, after you get used to the humor, is your favoritest show to watch at two in the morning.
22. Pastor Kearney Thomas is HIGHlarious lmao. But also somewhat of an embarrassment.
23. Twitter brings drama that we haven't seen since the invention of the picture phone. (see video below for clarification)



24. The things your parents don't know about you grows and grows. But it's not so bad now because you're getting old enough to make choices like that.
25. Waking up is sometimes harder than just staying up.
26. Sometimes you have not because you ask not. So just ask.
27. Every new year in hip-hop and rap makes you wonder how people like Waka and Soulja boy are making all the money, and people like B.O.B. and Wale are struggling.
28. I look good with bangs

29. You have to learn to give yourself more credit for your accomplishments. Most people are so busy with their own lives that everyone doesn't always have time to stop and pat you on the back.
30. People who support you make time to help you cope.
31. A blender makes dull Friday nights so much better.
32. Hulu and Netflix gives your computer a whole new purpose.
33. God's grace and mercy is so real, even when you're too busy to believe it.
34. People read my blog! ♥
35. You just got to live your life the way that makes you happy. If you do that, don't let the other ish get too deep under your skin, and know that everything happens for a reason, you paint yourself a beautiful life.

I'm stopping at 35 this year. ♥ Thanks to everyone who has helped me learn this year and have been with me throughout the school year; I love you all:
Jacqui, Chavelle, Lamar, Ryadah, Jerrica, Riean, Twin BayBay, Liz, Ms. LaShawnda, J-Strong, Portia, Natalie, Teaire, my Mommy!, my Daddy! ..............and any other names I forgot, insert here _________!

Leave your comments and your lessons learned!
♥ Shay

I KNOW IT'S BEEN A WHILE, BUT....

Hey all, I know you haven't heard from me in a while, but I promise that it is not entirely all my fault!

School has been so hectic, and I just haven't had that much time to spare on my blog.
My Bad, I do better, I promise :-)

Anyway, here are some things you've missed:
1. I met Nikki Giovanni and I love her even more.
2. I've decided to go natural. More details on that later.
3. I'll be in St. Louis for the summer, working, RAing, and summer schooling.
4. I'm getting Lucie (my car!) back. But I'm going to rename her :-)
5. I went home this weekend and had a really good time and regained some sanity.
6. I am in the process of a closet and clothes overhaul.

Okay, that's it for now. I will talk to you all soon! It's a promise!

♥ Shay Solace G.

Here's a "Have A Better Life" Tip

Every time you complain,
 Mirror it with something you're grateful for.

It'll keep your life in balance,
remind you that it's not so bad,
and over time minimize your complaints.

Happy Monday all!
♥ Shay

I Go Insane, Crazy Sometimes...

 I Love Maxwell! This is my favorite song from the Phoneixrising album. Yes, even more than Pretty Wings. He's supposed to be coming to Saint Louis with Jill Scott. Hopefully I won't miss him this time. I really love the old school video feel. Just him and the stage and the camera. It's nice. Enjoy you guys.

Simplified Complicated

After my last post, I got to talking to my booski via skype about sex without love, and then some more stuff. I love having smart friends, because they're capable of juggling complex ideas with you and can be okay with not reaching a solution.

Summary: we came to the conclusion that I like things in life a little complicated...or elaborate, if you will. It's a bittersweet addiction. On one end, my complicated life keeps me on my toes, keeps me motivated, moving, working towards something, it's exciting! But on the other side of the coin, complicated can get dirty, stressful, tiring, painful, and leave me running for the hills.

Which brings me to the point that I like my simplicity. I do. But I know I don't want a simple life. For one, I'll always be expecting it to go belly-up and get wayyyy out of line. Or if it doesn't do that, I'd just be bored, and probably settle into some pattern of complacency of life.

So how do I balance the two? I make simple choices in a complicated life. My friend argued back that you can't make simple choices for everything, and my counterargument was that I just have a simple procedure for reaching my conclusions and stances on things.  Why? Because life is gonna be complicated regardless of what plans you make. People with the best plans can still have fucked up lives. So why exert the extra effort of trying to avoid the inevitable?

I rather save that adrenaline for when the storm comes instead of hyping myself up on what MIGHT happen. I spent a good part of my life always worried bout what would happen next and the consequences of not weighing all the options of the future, blah blah blah.  Well, I don't even know all the options of the future, and all I really know is where I come from and what I am in the very moment. Everything else is a foolish attempt to play God. And trying to be God is a move that the devil himself knows isn't a good role to try to play.

I focus on the here and now and doing the best i can at the margin of time closest to me. When it feels too mundane, i reevaluate myself for complacency, for a decrease in drive, for a decrease in love of life. Because the easiest way to make it through life is to go through loving it. And if you aren't loving live, then life is just happening to you and you're not living at all.

I'm a complicaed being, I know. And I feel so misunderstood so much. I felt misunderstood having the conversation that this post stemmed from. I feel like my parents don't get me, and even my very best friends will attest that they've had their moments where all they could say was "WTF are you doing Shay?" Just for me to look at them, give them what I think is a  logical answer, and them still just writing it off as whatever.

I don't really take it personal anymore. Okay, that's a lie, I kinda sorta get in my feelings. But I remember that they have moments I don't understand them and just let it be.

It's hard being complicated sometimes, but I would hate to be simple and boring. I don't know. Maybe I already am.

Because I really want some tulips...

♥ Shay

How Do They Do It? [#cosign]

Was talking to one of my god-sisters tonight, and we somehow brought up the poem "Sex Without Love" by Sharon Olds. This is one of those poems that led to interesting conversation my summer at SWP (shoutouts to Carleton!) and that I still cling to. Mainly because it's opening question is one that I really want to have answered. Some people are capable of seperating the physical from the emotional, or so it seems. How do they do it? Or even better, is it possible to have sex without love? And if it isn't possible, doesn't that mean that the people who think it possible are lying to themselves?

Check out the poem. It's one of my favs:

Sex Without Love by Sharon Olds

How do they do it, the ones who make love

without love? Beautiful as dancers,

gliding over each other like ice-skaters

over the ice, fingers hooked

inside each other's bodies, faces

red as steak, wine, wet as the

children at birth whose mothers are going to

give them away. How do they come to the

come to the come to the God come to the

still waters, and not love

the one who came there with them, light

rising slowly as steam off their joined

skin? These are the true religious,

the purists, the pros, the ones who will not

accept a false Messiah, love the

priest instead of the God. They do not

mistake the lover for their own pleasure,

they are like great runners: they know they are alone

with the road surface, the cold, the wind,

the fit of their shoes, their over-all cardio-

vascular health--just factors, like the partner

in the bed, and not the truth, which is the

single body alone in the universe

against its own best time.

Mhmz.... food for thought. What side of the fence do you sit on?

An Update

Hey Loves---
I know that I've been MIA for a while, and I'm sorry. To be quite honest, life as been a little more rocky that I've been able to easily manage, so I've been living task to task for a couple of weeks.

But there's nothing like a sunny Monday to renew your strength :-)

I won't go into details, but just know that I'm currently in a place where my life and my future is a little hazy. And though it looks like it depends on me, these choices coming up aren't totally in my hands. Well, that's the way I feel...

Another idea I'm exploring: maybe I'm not doing what I truly want. I mean, I think there was a point in my life where I didn't really trust my own judgement about making my life decisions, so I took someone's good idea for my life and owned it. And was pretty satisfied with doing that for as long as I didn't have that many problems. But thinking about it, I let go of many of the real dreams I had a long time ago. And though people say "just do you" it's more complicated than that.

"ME" is essentially what people have given me. It's not the same as someone reluctantly wanting what someone has given them and owning it to look like what they really want. So for me to "just do me" means going back to square one, going after my passion and making no compromises. It means totally reassessing who I am and where I see myself going.

It's a scary jump, yo.

And right now I don't know if it's worth it. I'm so far in with the path I'm on, I don't know if I'm actually bold enough to retrace my steps.

::Sigh::

it's not the end of the world, and i believed doing what i love is important. but i also believe that i can learn to love something....

give me time you guys.

♥ Shay

Coffee, No Cream, Please

Actually, I can't even drink coffee...gives me anxiety attacks.

But the title comes from the often-used phrase, "Milk in my Coffee," usually referring to interracial dating and the such. This topic, ladies and gentlemen, is brought to you by way of this article over at Three Ways to Take It. I won't do the article an injustice by trying to summarize it. As always, I highly encourage you to go read it yourself if you're interested.


But I said all that to say...that I felt a need to respond to this one. So, for your enjoyment, what I have to say about alot of stuff, especially being a black [almost] woman and all these messages telling me to date outside the box:

March 8, 2010 at 12:42 am
Although I’m sure this is a conversation for much more “grown people,” I couldn’t resist commenting.


In my short 20 years of life and “relationships,” I haven’t actually considered dating outside my race. Even attending a PWI, where the black community is small and filled with enough drama to create a Lifetime movie, I still have a strong passion for black love.


I’m not racist, but there isn’t anything attractive about white men to me. I will admit to have a small crush on Puerto Rican dudes, but that’s another story. I love and appreciate each and every culture that makes this world of ours go round, but…I have yet to meet someone outside my race that catches my attention and makes me want to pursue them.


And yes, I have noticed the interracial talk seems to get more and more spark every day. Everywhere I turn, it seems to say that the only options I have as a black woman is to be a ghetto hood chick that wants a thug, or become educated and successful and turn into a bitch that looks down on all black men. It’s like a black woman with any type of intellect will find herself strongly disappointed with black male prospects. And I find it to be far from the truth.


I think black men and women need to quit giving up so easily on each other. We’ll keep having problems if everybody nags and no one listens to the other. And men and women are just that, no matter what their race or culture is. Dating outside your race doesn’t erase the relationship problems.


I, too, am fine with what people choose to do, as long as they’re happy and not dragging someone else down in the process. I just know that [when] I daydream about being swept of my feet one day….I mean, when I think about my future…it’s usually me with a black guy.


Shay, the college girl.

That's Just How I Like It ::Kanye shrug::


So uh...how do you like your coffee? Or do you even life coffee? And am I the only one who reads the messages out there like this?


As always, with ♥
♥ Shay

Why you have a FB, a twitter, a formspring, skype, and another IM service

Okay, all of ya'll most of us have been lying.

And whether you're aware of your lying, and you're just putting on a front for others, or if you actually believe your own hype, then that's another thing in yourself.

I think I've touched on this before somewhere, but our generation is so freaking connected. We are truly in an era where distance has less of an impact on bonds and communications. I often joke with people that I use my phone so many other things than calling people. I pay ATT too damn much mostly for the chance to

*check my email * text all day * tweet from class * make skype calls * read blogs on the go * sync my calendar * check FB for new photos * share photos * ...you get the picture.

Why do we need all this? Why do I need to keep up with which password is for which site or which app? How come the question "Tell me something people don't know about you" is becoming harder and harder to answer.

We say it's to keep in touch with friends. Some of us might even admit to it because, "everybody was doing it." But that's not a real reason. It's time to be real.

Everybody has a million ways to be connected because we all want to be heard.
We want to be important to someone. There is a need and compulsion to grabbing for attention.

Objection: "I don't do it [tweet, fb, blog, whatever] for attention. "
Response: You sure ain't doing it for your health. If it wasn't for attention, then you wouldn't have had a need to post it in the first place.

Objection: "I could care less what people have to say about it."
Response: Yeah, you could care less, but the point is you do care! Shoot, you care that people care.

I'm not saying that wanting attention is a bad thing. I'm just saying that it's a natural thing we do as people. We reach. We reach and we hope that if we reach out enough, someone will reach back. And today's technology gives us so many arms to reach with. But somehow, we still end up coming up short.

Having so many ways to reach people has changed our focus from quality to quantity. How many people can we reach is the new goal. Even if it isn't, that's how it ends up happening. Our generation misses out so much on the depth that used to define relationships, friendships, etc. It's so easy to make friends and connections now that the work it took to getting to know someone is gone.

This is what ends up happening: one day you need a REAL friend, and realize that none of the 300 "friends" you have on Facebook can help. Rubs me weirdly. And the other thing that happens: you try to tell someone about yourself, and you realized that all the basics have been covered in your blog. Then what do you talk about?

These are just my ideas...and like I said, we all want to be heard. Lol.
What are your thoughts?

♥ Shay